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Share your gift!

This is a YouTube video of my daughter and I singing a song by Lady Gaga. I think if I work with her and teach her as I am learning, that she too can sing, confidently, anytime she wants to. Singing is a gift! And I appreciate that I have the ability to sing. With some training and lessons, I have come along way just in the last 3 years. A lot of it has to do with confidence! When you grow up in a home where you didn’t learn how to be confident, it hugely affects many situations in your life. It is top on my list to learn how to be confident and to teach my daughter how to be as well. The earlier we start the easier it is.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BE6c_4v3Cc&feature=share

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I do what I have to do, for my kids mental health.

Anyone who knows me, knows that my amazing and beautiful little girl, has a different father than my son. Although, there maybe some of you who know me, that may not know this because, my daughter has an amazing father who doesn’t even get the “Stepdad” title, he is her father. Every boo-boo she has, to loose tooth, to just pushing her to be the best person she can be.

My daughter knows the hard truth about her biological father. Last week I was told he is telling people I keep him away from her. And after a week of letting it roll around in my mind, he is right.

A man who put his hands on me when I was pregnant, scaring me enough to call my stepdad for help. A man who was supposed to pick me up at 5pm from work and wasn’t able to contact until the next day. A man who is inconsistent. A man who took a month and a half to come see his daughter after she was born. A man who almost missed her being born, because he was getting something to eat. A man who doesn’t show up when he is supposed to and doesn’t let anyone know for hours or until even the next day, that he isn’t coming. A man who is married, with another baby and has an active profile on Tinder. A man who went 3 years without caring about his daughter, until maintenance caught up with his year of non payments, than demanded a DNA test. A man who lied and told me he was moving away and needed to sign his rights over, when the truth was his wife was pregnant and he didn’t want to tell me. A man who has threatened many times to take me to court to sign his rights to this beautiful little girl over, because he doesn’t want to pay for a child he doesn’t see, yet he has never taken me to court to do so.

Three times. That’s all it took for him to make her cry, three times, and I put my foot down. Months of scheduled visits and him not showing up to pick her up. It was affecting her and it wasn’t fair. She shouldn’t have to spend her life suffering because of his decisions. And I don’t regret the decision for one second.

One day, I sat her down, after he was once again supposed to pick her up and wasn’t going to show up for the third week in a row since not seeing her for 3 years, and I told her that sometimes people just aren’t ready to be parents, and she understood my honesty. It hurt her. It made her cry. But her crying once, is better than her crying every weekend, he decides to cancel his plans, or show up 3 hours late with excuses.

It’s easier for my daughter because she has a man that is so remarkable that she doesn’t even know she is missing out on anything. I appreciate this man being there for her. She deserves love and she definitely receives plenty.

For that I am forever thankful. ❤

Closure

It has been a year since I closed the doors to my restaurant. Best decision I have made.

There was a moment or two when I was using my heart, instead of intuition and thought maybe I made the wrong decision, but I didn’t.

You can only take so much before you have to give in.

Owning a restaurant, is like having another child. Except you have to choose between it, and your real children in order to be successful.

You don’t get days off, even when you’re off. This is why closing a day a week helped with my sanity.

You can’t expect anyone else to be there to run it for you, like you, unless you’re willing to pay them to do so, which is hard in a small business within the first 5 years or more, unless it’s profitable and you know all your numbers, to back that up.

You have to basically live in the business to make any money.

You have to feel like a failure as a parent because you’re not there for your kids like you should be. Having their dad basically raise them, and feeling like you’re not good enough. You’re not there enough. You have to choose. One or the other. It’s hard on the mind.

You want your sanity, but you don’t get it. Ever. Every moment you are in business consumes your mind and you can never get it to slow down. Again, closing one day a week was what helped me keep mine. Because as long as you’re open, it owns you.

You are the employee. Even when you have other employees, you are the on call, 24/7 employee, even if you don’t want to be. You have to be there to answer any questions, or pick something up last minute, it’s all on you. Expecting anything else, is a set up for failure.

Owning a restaurant is one of the hardest businesses in the industry. I literally tip my hat to every successful restaurant owner out there.

It’s possible if I had more knowledge on running a business, it wouldn’t have been as stressful, but it still takes your time and your mind. So if you’re not ready and willing to give those things up, it is not for you.

You can’t take it easy and rely on others to be there to build your business in the first ten years. It takes every second you have. I watch other restaurant owners and they live there, every moment it’s open basically. They don’t take days off, they don’t take vacation. Their children are there, growing up into the business too. Turns out that’s not what I wanted at all.

I am too creative to be held down to a business like that. I don’t have the patience, and I would rather build my children into people who don’t need to recover from a childhood of anger because I was never there for them.

So here is to a year of being free from the best lesson I ever learned!

Because saying no to the things we don’t want, is making room for the things we do!

DNA?

Out in my Jeep is the envelope I waited two months for. I spent two months getting to know a man, and his two daughters. Intertwining them into my life, waiting for this envelope. To have him joke about adopting me at 31, even if the results came back negative, and when I write him after it does, he simply just didn’t ever respond.

I actually knew the results last week. I still haven’t looked at it. It brings the fact, into reality, that the possibility of having a great dad, is not my reality. I have spent so long, wishing for parents that I could depend on. A mother I can talk to about problems I am having. Or if one of my babies is sick, I don’t have my mother or father to turn to.

I, with the help of an amazing friend, realized today that, that is not in my cards. As much as I want it, as much as I need it, it’s not how I write my story. I have to accept that. This DNA test has shown me two things.

1) I have survived every moment up until now on my own instincts and abilities and can continue to do so.

2) I allow people into my life too easily, because I crave love, but give it to the undeserving.

Those two lessons are huge. They are life changing because I now can change my thinking, from the victim type of thoughts, ” I don’t have parents I can rely on,” to powerful, more motivating thoughts, and focus more on the community of people, that surround me, that support me, that are there for me, that love me for me and would drop anything to help me.

Now, I find I am just left with more questions that can’t be answered because my mother doesn’t respond to my messages, and well I am questioning the DNA of my ‘father’ who hasn’t really earned the title.

I will just carry on as me, and show everyone that I am an amazing, talented, smart, caring person, and that they are missing out.

That’s where being in control of your thoughts is so powerful.

It can make, or break you.

Oh my frig, hair! 

I don’t write about things like this, but my bestie told me last night I should. So here I am doing it. 

Black to blonde.

I swear to the sweet baby Juniper, I could scream! 

I have decided to go blonde. After having black hair. The first four boxes of a mix between highlight kits and bleach, went pretty good , except it only dyes my roots and about 4 inches down, leaving the bottom 2/3rds a mix of bronze, brown, black and blonde. 

Last night my bestie put a bleaching kit in and let me tell you, my hair could stand straight up and down when I was done. So DEAD! I am pretty sure I left it in too long, and after I was done you could see my scalp my hair was so light! She went out and got a box of regular blonde dye to tie it all together and it actually turned out great. 

Be prepared. If you have dark hair, it takes a lot of work and killing of your hair to actually become blonde.

Since I have become ‘more blonde’ I literally get ID’d everywhere I go now! So it must make me look younger 😉 

Peace, Love and Healing 

Poison on my mind 

I am on a medication called Venlafaxine. I tried to come off it last year and ended up with an ankle injury from literally taking a step up, as I normally would. I didn’t twist it or step the wrong way. I ended up 9 weeks, unable to walk without support. After seeing 10 different people, I was told I could have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. Basically, the nerves in my body choose to attack a previous injury because even though in my mind I didn’t feel stressed, my body was telling me other wise. Another doctor also confirmed, it was a possibility, but it takes a long time to diagnose properly. He recommended I went back on Venlafaxine because it was actually what is recommended to help the symptoms of CRPS. I did, and my foot stopped turning purple and I was able to walk and go to physio to regain the strength.

This medication, is literally poisoning my mind. Coming off it is a long process that includes constant headaches, soreness in my ankle, a “zingy” or “electricity” like feeling when I take steps, almost like I can feel the nerves in my entire head. Not only when I take steps but when there are loud noises or sudden noises. I can feel it in my teeth. I am off balance, running into things constantly, I feel light headed every time I kneel and than stand. I cry at any given time for no reason. I feel spacey and distant. I’m watching, but not absorbing any real information. 

It affects my everyday life. 

I hate the entire month and a half it takes to slowly ween myself off these pills.

I am not sure if anyone else is on something like this, but please let me know this is as normal as it can be for ridding my body of this poison. Do others go through the same thing? Has something like this actually affected your nerves and you aren’t the same because of it? 

I can’t help but think I will never be the same because of a medication that was supposed to help me. 

I guess only time will tell.