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You never know what you’re gonna get

Dating someone you don’t know, is pretty much taking a 50/50 gamble. Could be a nice, respectful human being, with love and respect like you’ve never seen, or from my experience, is an angry (but hides it until you’ve got your goddamn feelings involved), narcissistic, crazy person who feeds off your niceness. It’s disheartening, and I will have a hard time letting anyone else in now.

The gamble I ended up with, was that this guy could say all the right things, until he said nothing worth listening to.

Lucky for me I learned from the last guy that I thought ruined my heart, that you teach people how to treat you. This guy, had no respect for women and would openly admit it, (Should have screamed run, right there). He would yell at me for small things, like the day we broke up, he got mad at me for writing him, while I am laying home injured with a possible broken ankle, to see if I could expect him to be home to help me. I just wanted to eat. He blew up, like I put a leash on him and tied him up in the back yard. It was completely ridiculous. And that’s where I ended it. “Pack your shit, because I am a Queen and don’t deserve this!”

I deserve to be respected. I deserve to have a man that doesn’t get mad at me when I am asking where he is or when he plans to come home. I deserve a man that communicates with me, and doesn’t hold onto petty things, until he blows up at me. I deserve a man who is good to his word, when he says he has my back on rent, he doesn’t fuck off the day before it’s due.

I am now done looking for that man I desire. I feel that because I am looking for him, I see him in all males that I find the least bit attractive, that I have love goggles on, and it gives me an unfair outlook. All it took was for one guy to tick a few things off the list I have created, on the qualities and things my partner in life will possess, and I practically moved him in without hesitation. When, what I should have done was waited until he checked off , in comparison to my list. Again, I learned another lesson and that is pretty much the purpose in my life. To be better than who I was yesterday.

I will be uploading my giant list of things that I wrote down. The things that I want in a man. It is now non-negotiable. I will not settle down with anyone until everything on that list is a part of who he is, before he meets me, I don’t want to make someone do anything. I just happen to know that with the billions of people on the planet, I will find one that matches what I am looking for, and I now know it is worth waiting for.

Depression won’t get me this time

In a previous post, I mentioned I was weaning myself off of my prescription medication, which I have been taking for pretty much a year to the day. The medication I was on is called Venlaflaxine. Anti-anxiety medication because a year ago, I walked into my doctor’s office, terrified of myself. Yes, me. I woke up that morning, and the weight of the world was sitting on my shoulders like a 10 story house. I owned a restaurant at the time, and everything was working against me. I left for work as per usual, except I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t want to go. A million thoughts racing through my brain and one made me scared of myself. I wanted to drive my jeep into a tree. I wanted to end the madness inside my head and thought that, if only, I hit a tree at the right speed, it would all be over. No more fighting. No more stress for me. Nothing. It could have been over that day.

Instead, I called my doctors office. I got in right away. I was seen. I had my keys taken from me because all of a sudden this one thought, made me a danger not only to myself but to everyone else around me. I felt even more helpless than I already did. After a 24 hour suicide watch, I was on the road to healing with what I like to refer to as, my Personality Pill.

Now you see, this isn’t the first time in my life I have been medicated because I couldn’t control my feelings after trying for so long. I am a very strong minded person who is very aware of her thoughts, and I know I have control of them most of the time. BUT! Circumstantial Depression has gotten me a few times in my life.

Let’s fast forward to now. After 3-4 weeks of withdrawal symptoms, including shock like feelings through my head and face, I am 7 days off my medication. Am I ready? I thought so, but funny thing about life, it keeps happening.  I closed my restaurant in November and took some time off to get back to a point, I felt I could face the public. I got a job working as a cashier at a convenience store a couple months ago, and I also started dating.  Two months, I have been suffering with a severe ankle sprain, (could be broken), my boyfriend and I split two days ago because, well, he isn’t the one for me, and I lost my job, yesterday due to my injury.

The thing is, I got this. I can handle a little bit of stress now and again and not feel the need to fall back into a depressive state. I literally remind myself daily that I am quite capable of doing anything, and I am living proof of it. The difference is this time, I am going to prove that I am stronger than the last time depression got me. I will fight it with every ounce of my being and come out better than I ever have. The world shitting on me, is just making me better prepared, to handle my problems each time they arise.

I guess my point is, there are always reasons to give up. That’s the easy way out. But facing depression head on is the best thing you can do, even if it seems like the harder option in the end. I know I am glad I got the help I needed, when I needed it. And now, I can say I once again have beat depression.

Nothing but lessons

So, you meet someone. They treat you like gold, give you all their time, make everything about you and how they can make you smile. But it’s fake. And I don’t understand it at all. I am me. I don’t pretend to be someone else. Sometimes I slam doors when I am mad but most of the time, I am laid back and easy to get along with. I read something today that said something along the lines of, “Dating is just hanging out with someone until you get to know, that you don’t like them”

Why is it so hard to find someone on the same wavelength?  Someone who can be themselves from the beginning. Someone who won’t pick an unnecessary fight with you, gas lighting even, making you feel like you’re in the wrong, making you feel crazy, even though you didn’t do anything. It is so confusing,  dating.  Trying to find the one person you mesh with, want the same things and are actually able to work together daily to build a better life for one another.

How are some people so lucky, as to have come across such a beautiful and delicate thing?

I do know one thing, there is a lesson in all the madness, possibly two or three. I have been blessed to learn such lessons. To have the ability to consciously be aware of my thoughts and feelings and to use them to better myself daily. No I may not have found the King to my palace, but I am a Queen, and I know 100% in my heart that there is someone out there that will treat me as the Queen I know I am. And I will, in return,  show him the same courtesy. It’s not that hard. I just want someone who respects me. Is there for me when my ankle is broken, and doesn’t up and leave me to fend for myself for a day or two. Someone who doesn’t yell at me for having to take care of my children alone and reinjuring my ankle. I just want a partner. Someone who wants to hear from me. Someone who tries to be a part of my life and doesn’t make me feel like a burden in theirs. But! I guess I have to figure out my own weaknesses in order to be ready for when my King arrives. Until than, I will not settle. And neither should you.

Money hungry 

It has been bothering me more and more lately, as I think about how much money is waisted through large companies,  who could be using this money to help others. These companies, hide their profits by spending money on things like,  packaging changes, contracts to revamp your business every five years, promoting through commercials on television or the radio and any other expense they can find to use towards making it look like they need to spend this money on such things.

Toilet paper companies is a good first example. Who the hell isn’t going to buy toilet paper? Show me this person, and how they are able to go about their daily “duties” without toilet paper. So, these companies make so much money, they need to spend the mass amounts on advertising?  I highly doubt it. In my opinion they do it to spend the excess money so their company doesn’t have to pay as much in taxes.

But do these companies donate the litigated amount yearly? Every company is allowed to make donations which is also good for screwing the government out of those hundreds, thousands or millions in taxes.

Instead of Tim Horton’s,  spending thousands of dollars renovating their locations, approximately every five years, couldn’t they donate that to their local community? They do essentially create ‘local’ jobs, so why can’t this money be put back into the place where they make the money. They’ve got us hooked. We will go there whether they advertise that ‘because of you, we now serve dark roast’ or not! Who gives a rats ass? Really? You know what we care about?  NOT YOUR ROAST OF COFFEE!

Don’t even get me started on tampons and pads. They excess money these companies make should be put into supplying our school aged girls with proper education on the female reproductive system and tampons, for free. Yes free. Instead of spending $30,000 on that T.V ad, knowing we are going to buy them anyways, try filling a school or two with tampons.

This rant started today because of the talk of using the interrupter clause on gasoline before the long weekend. Forcing the price of gas to go up 6 cents per litre. Gas had it’s high fluctuating prices a couple summers ago. Everything went up in price. Cost was just, well more. Since than gas has normalized in pricing even going as low as under a dollar per litre. Where was this cost reflected on our power bills, grocery expenses, or anything else that took a price hike during the previous time in question?

There is so much money that could be going to help under privileged kids and families that are poor and can barely afford the food and tampons they flash before us everywhere we turn. But we don’t live in that world. It’s a disgusting reality knowing that companies would rather find ways to help themselves, while screwing you. The old, look at this hand while the other hand is picking your pocket trick. And everyone falls for it.

Today is a good day

Today is a good day. Today I am ready to become, I was going to say who I once was, but I am stronger than her. For almost a year, I have been on medication for anxiety and depression. I have gone through some crazy shit, with a lifetimes worth happening in the last 365 days.
I am writing this, to share with anyone who is, has been or thinks they maybe depressed, that there is a light on the other side of the dark tunnel you are stuck in.  Depression is circumstantial. I am now in a part of my life, where everything I went through, has been dealt with. How each circumstance, has made me feel weak and alone and each circumstance made me want to go bat shit crazy. But I did my best not to.

One day last April is when it all started. I woke up in the morning and went to run errands as per usual for the restaurant. While driving this thought just popped into my head out of no where. ‘Everything would go away if I drove my jeep into a tree.’

I started crying uncontrollably. I couldn’t stop. So I went to my doctors immediately. Told her what happened. She took my keys. Had someone come get me, and put me on suicide watch. It was scary to think I would ever do something like that. I have two beautiful kids, and they need me.

After getting things sorted out and going on medication which I like to refer to as my “Personality pill”. Basically my life wasn’t even close to falling apart until after I started on the medication. All I know is it was a good thing for the medication at the time.

A few weeks ago, my grandfather said he didn’t know how I wasn’t sitting in a corner somewhere, twiddling my thumbs and drooling. Referring to, he was impressed with how well I have been able to deal with the enormous amount of stress I had endured over the year. His way of telling me he was proud.

I had to process it all, as hard as it was. I had to deal with it all. I had to move. Close my restaurant. Leave my boyfriend. And start over. Completely. And now today, I know that because I have removed all of the things that caused me to feel like driving my jeep into a tree that day, I am ready to manage my life without my medication. At some point every person who is on medication for depression and anxiety, has to come to the realization that you can not live in that state forever. Everyday you have to talk to yourself. Reassure yourself. Love yourself. Believe in yourself. And if you don’t, you will keep living the same sad day, over and over, trapped inside your mind. Now I enjoy being trapped in my own mind. I day dream, I use my imagination to see how my life could be. I think about my kids playing and laughing. I thought about the love that I want to receive and how I want to hold it in my hands. Just because things do not go the way you plan, and just because things are hard, doesn’t mean you have to give up on being happy.

Today is a great day. Today I start the journey to healing my mind on my own. A day I am finally able to start to reduce my medication intake. And a new me is born.

Today is my start. Today is my end.

A fire

A fire has started inside my soul

The feeling, so hard to hide.

My life is starting all over again.

It feels good again, to smile.

The way you touch my skin

That spark, when you kiss my lips.

It sets this fire upon my soul

Your body I can’t resist.

Something that’s so familiar,

Makes it hard to believe, we just met

My heart has already fallen for you.

My brain hasn’t caught up yet. 

Vines 

​A piece of me is missing,

Some thing is just not right.

When distance comes between us,

I can not sleep at night.
My head, I feel it spinning. 

It’s out of my control.

My heart is on the line,

And you’ve got me by the soul.
Just one touch, is all it takes,

To send shivers down my spine.

You often take my breath away

When we’re entangled, like vines.