In a previous post, I mentioned I was weaning myself off of my prescription medication, which I have been taking for pretty much a year to the day. The medication I was on is called Venlaflaxine. Anti-anxiety medication because a year ago, I walked into my doctor’s office, terrified of myself. Yes, me. I woke up that morning, and the weight of the world was sitting on my shoulders like a 10 story house. I owned a restaurant at the time, and everything was working against me. I left for work as per usual, except I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t want to go. A million thoughts racing through my brain and one made me scared of myself. I wanted to drive my jeep into a tree. I wanted to end the madness inside my head and thought that, if only, I hit a tree at the right speed, it would all be over. No more fighting. No more stress for me. Nothing. It could have been over that day.
Instead, I called my doctors office. I got in right away. I was seen. I had my keys taken from me because all of a sudden this one thought, made me a danger not only to myself but to everyone else around me. I felt even more helpless than I already did. After a 24 hour suicide watch, I was on the road to healing with what I like to refer to as, my Personality Pill.
Now you see, this isn’t the first time in my life I have been medicated because I couldn’t control my feelings after trying for so long. I am a very strong minded person who is very aware of her thoughts, and I know I have control of them most of the time. BUT! Circumstantial Depression has gotten me a few times in my life.
Let’s fast forward to now. After 3-4 weeks of withdrawal symptoms, including shock like feelings through my head and face, I am 7 days off my medication. Am I ready? I thought so, but funny thing about life, it keeps happening. I closed my restaurant in November and took some time off to get back to a point, I felt I could face the public. I got a job working as a cashier at a convenience store a couple months ago, and I also started dating. Two months, I have been suffering with a severe ankle sprain, (could be broken), my boyfriend and I split two days ago because, well, he isn’t the one for me, and I lost my job, yesterday due to my injury.
The thing is, I got this. I can handle a little bit of stress now and again and not feel the need to fall back into a depressive state. I literally remind myself daily that I am quite capable of doing anything, and I am living proof of it. The difference is this time, I am going to prove that I am stronger than the last time depression got me. I will fight it with every ounce of my being and come out better than I ever have. The world shitting on me, is just making me better prepared, to handle my problems each time they arise.
I guess my point is, there are always reasons to give up. That’s the easy way out. But facing depression head on is the best thing you can do, even if it seems like the harder option in the end. I know I am glad I got the help I needed, when I needed it. And now, I can say I once again have beat depression.