Today is a good day. Today I am ready to become, I was going to say who I once was, but I am stronger than her. For almost a year, I have been on medication for anxiety and depression. I have gone through some crazy shit, with a lifetimes worth happening in the last 365 days.
I am writing this, to share with anyone who is, has been or thinks they maybe depressed, that there is a light on the other side of the dark tunnel you are stuck in. Depression is circumstantial. I am now in a part of my life, where everything I went through, has been dealt with. How each circumstance, has made me feel weak and alone and each circumstance made me want to go bat shit crazy. But I did my best not to.
One day last April is when it all started. I woke up in the morning and went to run errands as per usual for the restaurant. While driving this thought just popped into my head out of no where. ‘Everything would go away if I drove my jeep into a tree.’
I started crying uncontrollably. I couldn’t stop. So I went to my doctors immediately. Told her what happened. She took my keys. Had someone come get me, and put me on suicide watch. It was scary to think I would ever do something like that. I have two beautiful kids, and they need me.
After getting things sorted out and going on medication which I like to refer to as my “Personality pill”. Basically my life wasn’t even close to falling apart until after I started on the medication. All I know is it was a good thing for the medication at the time.
A few weeks ago, my grandfather said he didn’t know how I wasn’t sitting in a corner somewhere, twiddling my thumbs and drooling. Referring to, he was impressed with how well I have been able to deal with the enormous amount of stress I had endured over the year. His way of telling me he was proud.
I had to process it all, as hard as it was. I had to deal with it all. I had to move. Close my restaurant. Leave my boyfriend. And start over. Completely. And now today, I know that because I have removed all of the things that caused me to feel like driving my jeep into a tree that day, I am ready to manage my life without my medication. At some point every person who is on medication for depression and anxiety, has to come to the realization that you can not live in that state forever. Everyday you have to talk to yourself. Reassure yourself. Love yourself. Believe in yourself. And if you don’t, you will keep living the same sad day, over and over, trapped inside your mind. Now I enjoy being trapped in my own mind. I day dream, I use my imagination to see how my life could be. I think about my kids playing and laughing. I thought about the love that I want to receive and how I want to hold it in my hands. Just because things do not go the way you plan, and just because things are hard, doesn’t mean you have to give up on being happy.
Today is a great day. Today I start the journey to healing my mind on my own. A day I am finally able to start to reduce my medication intake. And a new me is born.
Today is my start. Today is my end.