Love lost

Over the last year, I have become very lonely. Every person I thought I knew, was someone else. One person, I loved. Loved so much I didn’t want to think about loving anyone else. We had this connection that I thought was impossible to find. And frankly, I am not sure it will come around again. It could be because of this love that I didn’t see him. Or maybe because of this love I am the only one who can see him. I allowed him to do things and say things that I swore my entire life, I wouldn’t allow. But I did because I loved him.

When he and I got together,  it was wrong from the start. He is twice my age and had gotten into trouble with the law a few years back and had to spend time in a mental hospital. As soon as he would come into my restaurant, I would feel shaky, my heart fluttered and I had to get one of my employees to wait on him. Afterall I was engaged to someone else and didn’t feel right, feeling this way towards someone else when I didn’t even feel this way towards my fiance. I realize now it was lust. Not love.

A year went on. I left my fiance. And as soon as I did I could talk to him. We started sleeping together and it was amazing. We couldn’t get enough of each other.  He told me of the love he had for another woman, and I was okay with it. I told my friends and they thought I deserved better. They weren’t wrong. Than I started listening to my instincts and after searching his phone found out he had been keeping in touch with this woman which hurt me a bit.

A whole year passed with him. My ex tried to take my kids away because of our relationship, telling me I was a horrible mother for putting my kids in danger. But I wasn’t in danger, and my kids weren’t either, as they hadn’t been a part of my relationship with him until 8 months after I was seeing him, and even then I didn’t really flaunt my relationship with him. Within the year of being with him, we were pretty happy but had our moments because he had been caught chatting with other women. We travelled together, went canoeing on the Bay of Fundy together, hikes, snowshoeing, long midnight walks, long drives. We could finish eachothers thoughts and knew how each were feeling. The one person I truly knew inside and out, I knew his flaws and he knew mine. We accepted them in eachother and I can’t be with him because he is not healthy. Manipulation at its finest. 

Over the year I also realized he had a drinking problem. He was sad and needed a way to get away from the reality of how he ended up being arrested, the police brutality he endured, and the life that was essentially taken from him. The police made up lies, stole money from him and it affected him more than anyone knew. 

We were fine until the week of our trip to Newfoundland together. We ended up with our first fight.  He said things to me, that made me want to punch him in the face. Offering me a tummy tuck so I could look better for example. We were both angry and I left, taking his car, and went on a trip with my girlfriend. He ended up getting hurt and going to the hospital where he caused a scene and was once again arrested. Once again the RCMP lied and said he was in a public place with weapons, which he was not, but he was found with a rifle in his vehicle because it was planned for our trip to NFLD. He was once again locked up in a mental hospital and is still there. We can’t be together.  I fought for our love once. Against everyone, including putting myself in a position to never have my kids in my care. I went publicly with his truth, telling people what really happened, the real story, and the media won.  I can’t do it again. 

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